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| Hitman Absolution | | Posted on Friday, November 30 @ 18:10:36 EST by Suislide |  tibbs writes "What the shit happened to the dev team at IO after Blood Money that led them from making one of the best/funniest stealth games out there to one that actually made me nostalgic for Splinter Cell fucking Conviction? My money's on Square Enix putting so much emphasis on masturbating over their DEEP PLOT and GRAPHICS that they forgot about making the actual game fun or interesting. Where do I fucking begin ripping this thing apart?
Graphics
Do you like lens flares blinding you with the force of a thousand suns during levels set in the daytime? Do you think that all kinds of clothing and Agent 47's bald head double as natural reflective surfaces? If you answered yes to both questions then these graphics will earn a perfect score, assuming you can still read this screen after playing through the first few levels.
Sound
Good news, they got David Bateson to return to voice Agent 47 instead of that hobo who did his best Timothy Olyphant voice for a half-eaten ham sandwich during the early trailer. Also Steve Blum shows up because if he refuses to voice a character in any video game or cartoon his heart will explode. Bad news, everyone else sounds terrible, especially the Chinatown informant who sounds like a Cuban doing a bad Tommy Chong impression. I guess that's the fault of the script though, which I'll get to.
Story
Agent 47 kills his waifu, drops the waifu's daughter at an orphanage, then spends his time running around Chicago. The Agency he once loved is now run by David Carradine's drunken half-brother who commands a hit squad of latex-clad fetish nun commandos led by Vivica A. Fox and so 47 has to destroy them so he can be together with the daughter. Also there's a redneck millionaire guy who calls up a legion of hicks from Buttfuck, South Dakota halfway through for some reason. I stopped paying attention to it, but Square Enix assumes you love their story so much that they embed it into all of the fucking loading screens.
Gameplay
Remember how you actually assassinated people in a Hitman game? Guess what, you barely do any of that in this one! Most of your time is spent going from Point A to Point B until you trigger the next cutscene! You don't even get to choose your weapon loadout, because why would you want to use weapons in a Hitman game right?
Want to craft an intelligent solution to an irritating problem? Of course not! What you really want to do is run down a hallway where there's only one way in and out of the next level! Whichever asshole thought the level "Run For Your Life" was a good idea in a Hitman game deserves to be punched in the dick until it turns into a grape-colored paste. I guess calling the game "Fugitive on the Run: Absolution" wouldn't fit as well on the box.
Remember the size of the levels in Blood Money? Did you ever think "gosh this level is so big my tiny little retard brain can't possibly think of a way to beat it?" Well IO has shrunk them down so you barely have to walk one minute to find the next cutscene trigger! Every guard happens to have an empty locker or dumpster two steps away so you can hide their body easily. And as an added bonus, large weapons can magically disappear into your suit now, so you don't have to worry about actually hiding or tossing them anymore!
Want to dress up in disguises and hide in plain sight? HAHA FUCK YOU! The guards can see you from all the way across the map if you're wearing their same disguise, even through some solid brick walls, unless you use the new see-through bullshit mechanic "Instinct" button. And good luck doing any stealth runs on harder difficulties, which they obviously didn't test and just jammed in there to shut the "purists" up, forcing you to either use babby mode just to complete the level or shoot your way through and hope you don't die.
Multiplayer
"Contracts" mode is a slightly interesting take on setting up custom contracts on any NPC you want for different levels in the game under certain conditions. Unfortunately, 95% of them are just shit that other people vomited out to get a stupid achievement, literally just cap the first guard you see and run back to the exit. Even if they weren't, there are maybe four levels that aren't set in a single fucking hallway or have one predetermined path for you to follow, so if you aren't achievement-whoring there's still not much use for it. If this were a better game I would love this mode, but here it just reemphasizes the turd sandwich you made the mistake of buying.
Overall
Hitman Absolution gets a 3/10 for David Bateson's voice and the (unfilled) promise of Contracts mode. Just play Blood Money instead."
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| Related Links | | | | Article Rating | | Average Score: 4.30
Votes: 23
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Re: Hitman Absolution (Score: 1)
by doctor_kaz on Saturday, December 01 @ 09:13:40 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Fucking up the disguise system was inexcusable. And I agree with your sentiments about the guy who desgined the "Run for your Life" level. That's precisely what I was thinking too. Whoever thought it would be fun to sneak through a guantlet of 500 cops with broken disguises is a goddamn moron. |
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Re: Hitman Absolution (Score: 1)
by puk on Monday, December 03 @ 01:03:07 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | The only Hitman I thought was phenomenal was the first one (which ironically got the lowest rating). Suspension of disbelief let you hide in plain sight so long as you had a disguise. This means you worry less about whether the Azn security guard can tell that you are not Azn and a little more about sneaking into a high security area, breaking into a safe and retrieving the loot. Also, the levels were more realistic with multiple ways in and out, realistic sewers to dump bodies (and you literally dump them, not press A to place them) and they put a lot of care into the levels as well. For example, there was a two way fish tank, and if you shot it from an angle the water would spill out one way as opposed to the other. And the story was really good too. |
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Re: Hitman Absolution (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Monday, December 03 @ 13:22:49 EST | LMFAO
What an idiot.What am i even doing here?
Kill yourself. |
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Re: Hitman Absolution (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Monday, December 03 @ 15:05:49 EST | | Right on the money, suislide. This game is no fun :( |
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Re: Hitman Absolution (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Tuesday, December 04 @ 19:59:34 EST | | in these times if you still play games you are gay as gaylord |
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Re: Hitman Absolution (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Friday, December 07 @ 05:46:40 EST | | I couldn't agree more |
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Re: Hitman Absolution (Score: 1)
by TheKrustaceox on Friday, December 07 @ 07:48:59 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Good review. It's not a Hitman game, and this game is proof that there is bribe involved everywhere on those popular review sites. |
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Re: Hitman Absolution (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Thursday, December 13 @ 13:16:15 EST | | Meh, just sounds like you suck at the game. |
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Agent 47 (Score: 1)
by BLOME (BLOME@UNIVERSALTesticleCruncherGamingIndustry.loot) on Monday, March 11 @ 13:17:57 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | is now an Official Pussy. I would like to go into the video game and insult his mom, and then proceed to challenge him to stealth assassinate me while eating a double big mac with fried chicken chow mein and watch him fail and just come at me. Stealth what? If you paid for this, you are a sucker and you should send your money or bank info to everyone in your Hotmail inbox *junk mail folder* and also to me and Suislide and this website. Then I will show you how to really waste your time if it's that important to you.
F U to the Developers. Namely - SQUARE PENIS and IO Inter-Not-Sexually-Active.
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- Re: Agent 47 by Anonymous on Monday, March 11 @ 16:28:06 EDT
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Re: Hitman Absolution (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Thursday, March 28 @ 17:49:04 EDT | NOticed it takes half a second to strangle someone and 4 seconds to close the dumpster lid..
And yea the story is just UGLY, so ugly that they made 47 look like a stupid soap opera character or something like that . |
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 | |  | Re: Hitman Absolution (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Friday, August 30 @ 01:20:06 EDT | | Haha best review ever never laugh so hard in a long time. But I agree the disguise system is broken.. they assume for some reason out of all those 500 cops they know each other by heart to tell if you are suspicious I mean come out but thats not the only problem including the missions where you can wear a mask or dressed up as a chef(also they assume they know each other) in a busy china town... You can't close doors or turn off lights, no longer can you temporary knock out enemies.. they shouldnt have add the point system either..... makes ya feels restricted by telling you killing people losers points....I perfer a option of remove the lame ass point system because it aint needed... QTE omg no... the map system removed for this stupid instinct system that allows you to know who your target is and see through walls and predict their movements.....Using the map in the old hitman gameswas more fun and challenging.. Blood money ranking system was fine..... This doesn't feel like a hitman game at all... |
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Re: Hitman Absolution (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Friday, November 14 @ 02:09:48 EST | Completely agree. Shallow profanity. Large hulk Mexican, superheroes in latex, hitman with batman vision. The game was just a complete fucking joke.
Fuck Square enix |
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