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| Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory | | Posted on Friday, April 08 @ 15:07:18 EDT by Suislide |  fuhrer writes "Homosexual with a hint of jew. Or a Review of the game by Ubisoft called Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory
STORY: The story this round was better than that retarded gaydora tomorrow shit "there's like a homosexual foreign terrorist on the loose and he's like planning to spread his aids all over washington dc, like only tham fisher is gay enough to stop him." Basically, it's about these complex computer algorithms used to cause all types of shit in attacks between north and south korea from the japs. It's realistic for the computerized future, but a little boring. It could have had some more action tied in since this game has that M rating. I still don't get why the fuck this game got an M rating, it deserves a fuckin E rating since everything is so mild. The story should have been much darker and violent. They should have kidnapped that grimsdottir bitch or sam's daughter. Then they could have caught sam with those stun guns and made him watch them torture her by tying her to a wall and having 10 kirks fuck her through every hole in her body. Another thing is that there were no fuckin chicks at all in this entire game. All rich guys who want to destroy the world always have at least 5 top grade hookers laying around for a power fuck. They would have been jackoff material with these graphics too.
GRAPHICS: They're about the same as pandora tomorrow, but support new shit on the PC. They look really good maxed out on PC with high fps. The textures and lighting are high quality. The models and skins are decent but every goddamn fucking guy has the same fucking face. They must have gotten really lazy or something because ever jap, chink, kirk, and honky have the same goddam face structure with eye brows 4 inches above their fuckin eyes. The skins for cutscenes look really homosexual, sam is supposed to be 50 from his profile. He looks like he got a makeover and lots of plastic surgery. That black guy looks like the white guy who's head crawled off his body in The Thing except he's a nigger. Another thing is that they didn't have any fuckin blood decals or guts when you attacked some slant. WHEN YOU SHOOT SOME ONE IN THE HEAD, THERE'S A HOLE THAT FORMS, BLOOD AND BRAINS ARE THRUSTED OUT OF THE EXIT HOLE. Same with the knife stabs. It would have been so much better if you could drag bodies you killed and leave a blood trail for someone to follow. (These are graphics on PC too, I'm sure they suck fuckin ass on shitbox and fagstation)
SOUND: The soundtrack this round is much better than that crap from pandora tomorrow that sounded like 2 gay niggers going at is in an african jungle. Each level has a different theme, most of them are pretty good, matching or exceeding the original splinter cell music. The dialog this round is better than that fuckin shit from pandora tomorrow, it doesn't sound like everyone is choking on semen anymore. All the enemies have the most retarded conversations though. Instead of saying shit like "hey paris hilton made a new sex tape, dammmn wesley snipes is fuckin the white out of her" they say some dumb crap like "hey, have you played the new prince of persia, I heard it's really good for gay slopey orgies." They actually did advertize that game in a conversation which was fuckin gay. They also dissed HL2 by calling gordan freeman a geeky video game character with a crowbar. Gabe should drive his honda over ubisoft and shove a fried chicken leg up their asses. On almost all the fuckin TVs, they had a slide show commercial of chaos theory, WOW that's so clever and funny and I went and got my money back for this game, nice job fucksoft. It's pretty fuckin stupid to advertize the game inside the game. 95% of the guys you interrogate are fuckin cock sucking pussies. When ever you interrogate them, they're like "please don't hurt me, I'll deepthroat you if you want, actually I want to deepthroat you, please give me the honor of deepthroating you, the dried cum layer in my throat is thinning, I'm a dumb faggot slope let me go free so I can continue to have gay sex and shove my M8 carbine up my ass." You should have been made to cut out their assholes with your knife before they start talking.
GAMEPLAY: Same shit from the other 2 games except easier and less in depth. The levels are too easy to get through and there's way less shit to do. Soldiers don't have satchels you can pick up, you have to get all your crap from a computer, that makes a lot of sense, they must have downgraded in technology in the last few years. The levels are smaller and you bearly have to use anything to get through them. You could make it through every level with just a knife if you needed to. Everything is more action based than spying. I had to force myself to use airfoil rounds and cameras. The new crap they added like the shotgun attachment and electronic disruptor make the game way too easy. The shotgun fire has good physics on people, but is really unnecessary. The knife is a good tool that should have been in the other games. It's gay that you couldn't use it for torture slowly cutting a guys finger or balls off. The front attack should of been a fuckin abdominal slice too so that the guys guts would have spilled out. With the M rating they could have done some more violent kills than a fuckin "break someones neck upside down when when they're right under you." There's no strategy at all in the game anymore since you're so over equipped. Most of the time, the briefing is something like "sam, I need you to go to the end of the hallway and get me a cup of coffee. the information we have is that the floor has grey carpet and there are 2 lights on the ceiling. you'll be equiped with a silenced minigun with laser scope and armor piercing bullets, 2 support tanks, an online f18 fighter jet, a support cheerleading team, 4 tactical nuclear devices, and a time traveling device. I know it looks tough, but you can get the job done." If they had improved the game at all, it would've been something like "sam, we just got word that you've been captured by an underground faction of south american nazis linking to the information crisis in the koreas. we don't know what the fuck is going on and I've already soiled myself 6 times. it seems you currently have 10% health, 7 bullet wounds, and a paper clip. in order to escape your cell, you need to kill 9 guards around your cell, cut open their bodies and use their intestines as rope to climb into a complex ventilation shaft. using the intestinal fluids from their bodies, you can create an explosive that will jam the fan motors. after this, you'll have to wing it and make your way through a huge obsticle of nazis before you find a genetically enhanced Hitler terminator which you must destroy. You must do all of this using stealth, if one alarm is triggered, a series of thermonuclear bombs will explode destroying the earth. good luck fisher."
I was expecting the multiplayer to be better than the crap they pissed out of their vaginas. The maps are small, boring, and tedious. It gets boring in about 2 minutes.
Overall it's a fuck ass game with ass fuck gameplay. Ubisoft needs to get some new people to work on their splinter cell crap if they ever think about shitting out another one. It gets a 5/10. "
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| Related Links | | | | Article Rating | | Average Score: 2.61
Votes: 39
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 | |  | Re: Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Friday, April 08 @ 22:35:58 EDT | I rented this out for Playstation a few days ago because I wasnt sure if you were going to do the review or not. So heres my take anyhow.
Story: Its been donr over and over in any Bond007 or other spy movies the story is so fucking old. The beginning scenes draaag on forever like waiting for your bitches period to end. They explain every single fucking thing as if your a first time spy or some shit.
Graphics: The PS2 graphics are so fucking terrible except in cetain spots where they show off the fucking shadows. It's like Tomb Raider all over again. And what the fuck is up with every fucking ememy looking like the one Fisher just assfucked just seconds ago?! Fuher you forgot the other stupid fucking advertisements they just have to push into your nose like a "smoking is bad" sign like his special bubblegum , Ake cologne and some other I refused to fucking care about. Fuckmisoft wouldve been better off coming up with thier own cheesy brands to promote. Oh wait Nevermind since everyones gonna end up taking this game back after a week their not making the fucking profit margin so the have to advertise.
Controls: Those fuckfaces screwed the damn contols at least on the PS2 version and changed a few buttons around way to go you group of ass groping cunts. Nothing pisses me off more than sitting in the first screen for 10 min. trying to figure out how to fucking move it's like being LD. And hope you never kill a guard next to a switch or you will be hitting buttons back and forth forever trying to move the body and flipping a fucking switch all at the same time. I hate that shit where you have to decide to leave a vent or small cave if you dont decide quick the option dissapears and you have to go back and forth making the command appear again.
Overall the games worth renting for a few days. I didnt bother with online play but i'm sure its tons of unfun. I definetly agree with Fuhrer on the blood and stuff. Why the fuck are games so clean they don't sell like the ones that havs your player bashing the fucking skull and brains out of your opponets head. To me theres no difference of shooting a person and shooting a person and his face covers with his own snot and blood. 4/10
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Re: Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory (Score: 1)
by Suislide on Saturday, April 09 @ 13:04:59 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Just wondering what video card you had because apparently only Nvidia can have centriod sampling and such because there is no SM2.0 just 1.1 and 3.0 |
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Re: Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory (Score: 1)
by Ny24 on Saturday, April 09 @ 16:15:35 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I just love that "get me some cup of coffee"-objective XD |
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Re: Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory (Score: 1)
by PumpActionHero on Tuesday, May 24 @ 02:27:31 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | You need to take notes on how to cuss from Suislide because you sound like you have the vocabulary of an 11 year old who was raised in an abusive house, and your reviews suck more than what you rate in your reviews
Well, not entirely, they have depth to them its just that you cant add fuck after every 3 words to make it seem cool
"Overall it's a fuck ass game with ass fuck gameplay."
That is just horrible, what were you thinking ?
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Idiot (Score: 1)
by HateThisFuckingPage on Thursday, November 17 @ 09:59:14 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Suislide, you are no doubt the dumbest article-writer I have ever seen, and I’ve seen quite a fuckin’ few. Your articles are an insult to read, they have absolutely nothing to do with the game itself, and everything to do with you getting a hard-on by writing like a 12-year old jerk-off with an I.Q of 20 and an ego the size of that mountain of vomit I threw up when reading this steaming pile of snot you’re exposing my poor eyes to. I hope the ejaculation you had over your keyboard when writing this crap was worth it you stupid, pathetic fucking bastard. |
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- Re: Idiot by berzerker on Friday, April 24 @ 15:26:28 EDT
- Re: Idiot by berzerker on Friday, April 24 @ 15:31:44 EDT
- Re: Idiot by berzerker on Friday, April 24 @ 15:32:20 EDT
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