Video Games Suck - Legend of Grimrock

Sorry for the delay, faggots. I've been moving and just changed jobs. I went from a whiny teenage faggot to become an adult and I still write these reviews because unlike IGN, I'm dedicated to honesty over money. Anyways, Legend of Grimrock was released and it is fucking AWESOME. It is an old-school styled dungeon crawler similiar to Stonekeep and it is a fucking fantastic game filled with awesome puzzles and good design, with damn good graphics to boot. Read my fucking review you pansies.

So Legend of Grimrock is an indie game that is like an old school dungeon crawler. You move square by square in dungeon environments that change as you descend deeper into the cave, also known as your moms vagina. You basically created a party of four characters, Warrior, Mage of Thief, of which I'm really fucking sick of this combo but it works for this game. Now it has your standard humans, minotaurs, and such but it also has Insectoid creatures...I don't really understand that one but for some reason bugs are fucking damn good at magic.

Anyways, so you design your own party selecting stats, portraits and other bullcrap until you are good to go. A shortcut scene plays where you are some asshole prisoner and got shoved into a fucking dungeon mountain prison place. Point is, the story isn't really important in this game it is all about the gameplay and it is fucking awesome. As I said, you move square by square until fighting enemies in real time combat by using a combination of melee throwing and archery weapons.

Each enemy requires you find a different way to stab it to fucking death whether it is constantly moving squares to freezing them, or using traps in the environment to kill them. It keeps the combat always fresh and interesting, especially when you go from weak ass bugs flying to killing poisonous spore things, having to dodge their clouds, to attempting to kill a giant ogre who is charging at you. As you traverse the dungeon you will come across a whole slew of puzzles and shit that actually requires your brain to work. There are subtle hints sometimes for how to solve the puzzles with cryptic messages or certain items, but many times you are on your own to actually solving the puzzle. Sometimes they invole trapping certain enemies, placing certain items in specific spots, timing, etc. They all make damn good use of the environment as well. The puzzle system throughout the game ALWAYS kept me interesting in figuring out how the fuck I was going to get out of this next bucket of syrup.

You will constantly descend deeper and deeper into the mountain, there are 13 levels and each level is pretty damn long, and later some of the puzzles even involve multiple levels. What is nice is the amount of secrets located throughout the game for hidden items. There is an iron door on every level that has a trick to opening and then just general secrets placed throughout the level and it makes you get a huge fucking erection when you find a secret with some bomb ass items inside of it. I did also enjoy the fact that you need torches to see anything or cast a light spell, otherwise the cave is near-black, and having to eat to simply stay alive. It makes the game world become more engaging.

The game is took me about 15-18 hours to complete which is pretty damn good for only paying 13 bucks. The graphics are fucking gorgeous too with nice high resolution textures and some pretty impressive spell effects. The sound is also suitably interesting and the music really adds to the tension in some scenes, although my only complaint is that there wasn't enough of it. I really only have one complaint about the game which is the last boss.

So here I am, this thing speaks to you the entire game telling you it has a way out. You find a machine and put some gears into it, SURPRISE, it was the fucking boss all along. Who would have thought? Oh wait, it was fucking obvious. But that isn't so much my problem but rather than the fucking boss is, get this, a GIANT CUBE. It is a talking mechanical cube that chases you around and tries to crush you until you find puzzle to solve to destroy it. I thought that was completely fucking stupid.

Legend of Grimrock is an old school dungeon crawler with some damn good puzzles and is constantly interesting to boot. FUCK YEAH.

9/10