Video Games Suck - The Witcher 2

The original Witcher came out 4 years ago and was amazing game once the Enhanced Edition was released. Fill with blood and guts, good stories, lots of swearing and dark themes, with some good ol boobies on top of that. You can't argue with tits, and if you do then you are probably a faggot. No mantitties here. This is fucking Dagon Gay 2: Fuck Dudes in Kirkwall made by Bioware. This is a manly game. Anyways, 4 years later (so you know they have a bitchin' huge development cycle) they release the sequel and deliver one of the best RPGs ever made to date. Geralt is back and he is stabbing bitches and Aarding them off buildings like never before. The only flaw I found with this game (besides the occasional bug) was that I wanted to play more once I was done. AND I FUCKING CAN? You know why? BITCHIN GOOD REPLAY VALUE IS WHY. Read on mother fuckers!

The first thing any true PC Gamer non-console loving faggot does after installing a game is to adjust all the video settings. Lately, this fun has been ruined because everything is multi-platform garbage. This is not true in the Witcher 2, PC ONLY. You open up the graphical options page and get kicked right in the dick with a plethora of video options to edit as your hearts desire. I just maxed everything out except for UberSampling because for some reason, no matter what, it makes the game run like absolute dog shit! Anyways, moving on, the first thing you will notice when booting up this game is the fucking fabulous improvement over graphics. This game is equal to that of Crysis' level and has much better art design. You can try and look around and find a flaw but the game is just riddled with high-polygon models and super sharp textures. The textures in this game are fucking fantastic in every aspect of the word, no more does it zoom in on something like a Bioware game and it is a turdy-blurry mess that they attempt to cover up with some bloom and blur. No way. The Witcher 2 has some of the best fucking texture work seen in any game to date and it makes the game look wonderful. This is combined with excellent bump mapping through the environment, deep and detailed and heavy foliage which looks better. You will see huge fields of shrubs and trees in some environments, or deep thick forests with the treetops only letting a bit of line shine through. Dungeons have cracks in the ceilings letting scare light travel into the environment and the only thing you can fucking thing is how absolutely tits this game looks. In short, the graphics in this game are nothing short of amazing in every aspect. There are even little things like when you imbue a sword, the runes will actually show on the sword when you draw your weapon. Small details like this help to add that extra immersion to the game.

Obviously, graphics are only one small part of the game but the Witcher delivers in every other fucking aspect imaginable. The game starts you out in the 6 hour long Prologue (that's right faggots, huge introduction). Which goes through the motions of setting up the story directly after the events of the first game when someone attempts to assassinate King Foltest. The only shitty part of the prologue is that the tutorial tips pop up for one second and don't really explain anything, luckily, I'm super smart and don't need hand holding to solve a game. I can figure it out on my own unlike all these retarded console faggots who will be crying about how much they are dying.

The first thing you will notice is that the combat in this game is now free-form action rather that the click-on-time system that was in the first game. It almost sounds simplistic but this game is pretty unforgiving when you are playing it on Insane. Unlike in the first game, where signs were completely useless, this game requires that you use every option at your disposal to kill a group of enemies. The animations are fucking awesome in this game, as you use either weak or strong attacks to chain together attacks, mixed with having to roll around to attack different enemies. You will also be forced to used your signs such as Aard to push them down, Yrden to set traps and using Quen to create a shield, just to get an advantage over your enemies. Otherwise they will bend you over and rape your asshole into oblivion. The game provides such a satisfying difficulty level that I am more than happy with the way they designed everything. The combat is much more fluid and satisfying in the first game, mixed with everything from adrenaline moves which you can unlock and multitudes of features you can unlock. The combat in this game has vastly improved to provide a much greater challenge to the user over the first game, Geralt now actually has to fucking try to defeat enemies (even though he is a badass). You still get to run and jump around, stabbing bitches in the neck and getting a boner from the blood.

There is one downside to the combat where occasionally the targetting will switch to a random target when you don't fucking want it to. This didn't happen too often for me but actually I got used to it pretty quickly. Either way, I am more than positive this will be fixed with a patch or perhaps the Enhanced Edition like they introduced to the first game. On the bright side they still have side quests for Dice Poker, Boxing and Arm Wrestling in the game which add some extra fun activities to do to get gold from people. The Boxing is now a Quick Time Event system where you press certain button combos that pop up to do a move. Now I know this sounds shitty but it works fine within the game and it looks absolutely fantastic. Also, if you remember the boxing from the first game was so easy that it was absolutely broken. I don't even think it ever worked properly. Dice Poker is still the same as it was and now there is an arm wrestling game where you have to keep an icon in the middle of a bar. While none of them are exactly game changing they add to the atmosphere and make the cities feel more alive by having people actually participating in normal activities. The crafting system in this game is vastly expanded allowing you to make new armors and weapons based upon diagrams you can purchase or find throughout the game. The best weapons in the game are all crafted. The alchemy system is still in existence and heavily useful now for how difficult the combat has become, however now you must drink the potions while meditating before battle. It is slightly different but doesn't really affect much. The combat in the game is fucking amazing and thrilling, mixed with a good bit of challenge but not for fucking idiots who don't have the balls to comprehend it.

The characters, voice acting and the dialog are all fucking amazing. Foltest sounds like a fucking man yelling out orders as you cross the battlefield with him, and is perfectly well done. The voice acting for Geralt returns and delivers his emotionless speech (just how Geralt is supposed to be because is a Witcher for you fucking idiots who didn't listen to the story). The game is filled with swearing of course, PLOUGH EM ALL PLOUGH EM ALL. There is absolutely nothing negative to say about the voices, when the characters, no matter which characters are talking, you will want to listen. They build a greater sense of relationships with Triss (if you choose) but your friends Zoltan and Dandelion are now more active and a greater part of the events as well. It is so incredibly well done, you will feel bad when you have to leave your companions. No one fucks with Zoltan. Beyond that, Floatsam and the other cities and camps you visit actually feel alive unlike the shit in Dragon Age. People are actually walking around (quite a few people actually) participating in activities. It gives the cities and areas a sense of immersion that you are actually participating in and become part of the world. This mixed with the beautiful soundtrack that the game posses which is not only satisfying during battles but atmospheric and mesmerizing while you are traveling around the towns.

The story in the game is absolutely fucking awesome following directly from the events of the first game to where someone tries to assassinate Foltest. However, in the Prologue, someone is successful in killing him and you are the only who gets framed for it. Luckily, the higher ups, namely Roche, know that you are innocent and you set out to find the real killers, recover your memories, and other plots and shit that develops that I won't spoil this time out of respect for the game. You are lucky cocksuckers. The story develops in hugely different ways based upon what paths you decide to take throughout the game. Chapter 2 is 90% different based on which team you decide to go with in the first Chapter. This provides huge replay value as it gives me another reason, besides the game being fucking awesome, to play through it and see a fuck-ton of new content. The game still also has sidequests you can find from searching the forest or other areas, and lets not forget the Witcher's Board! In this game, it is much more complicated and much better. Instead of just finding a monster and killing 10 of them, you have to first learn of the monster and sometimes develop bombs or traps to defeat it, or find other special methods. It actually gives the quests some extra thought to them and makes them a bit more unique. Pretty much everything about the game, from the choices to the actually story is absolutely amazing.

CD Project fucking delivers huge with this game. FUCK EM IN THE ARSE. PLOUGH EM ALL PLOUGH EM ALL

9.5/10