Video Games Suck - Portal 2

Valve releases another fucking gem and shows video game developers how to make fucking good games. This game is some of the most innovative gameplay mixed with excellent graphics, puzzles that are exciting and fun to solve while not causing you to rip your pubic hairs out of your crotch, great characters, voice acting and some of the most hilarious dialog ever written for a game. This game is more engrossing than 98% of the shit on the market, Portal 2 takes everything Portal 1 does correctly and adds INFINITELY more to it by cramming every single good idea all into one game.

Valve deserves a fucking medal for being the greatest video developer that is currently around right. After a huge fucking anticipation from the first game, which was just a short park of the entire package, Valve delivers Portal 2 which is a fucking full blown portal experience and is brought to a much grander scale.

The first thing you will notice when playing this game is that the voice acting and the characters are fucking hilarious and have some of the best writing ever seen by mankind. This game is so fucking hilarious, I don't remember ever laughing so much all the way through. All the dialog in this game is so fantastically written from GlaDOS, Wheatly, and others that you will want to stop in the middle of your puzzles just to listen to all the comedy and the tremendous voice work. This game will keep you laughing as the various characters guide you through the game providing excellent ambiance to the game the entire name. Let's not forget the funniest person in this game, CAVE FUCKING JOHNSON. Every line this man spits out had me laughing and the delivery is absolutely perfect. However, we already knew Valve was great at writing, so I am sure this comes as a surprise to no one that the dialog and voice acting in this game are mind-blowingly PRONOMINAL. Everything from Initializing Smooth-Jazz to banging moon-rocks together.

Since we are still on the subject of the sound, the game features some of the best audio and music work which has been seen in games for the last five years. The soundtrack to this game is a mix of classical and electronic which provides ambiance and incredible mood-setting throughout the entire game. Not to mention, the tremendous sound effects for metal smashing and ripping apart as well as the other various sound effects. The best fucking part (besides the absolutely awesome voice acting for every character in this game) is that when on various surfaces or objects such as the various blue, white and red gels in the game, audio starts playing to indicate the surface as working but it completely blends in with the music in the background. This happens for almost everything that happens in the game and it all blends together so well creating some of the best fucking audio ever seen.

Everyone was worried about the graphics in this game because of the age of the Source engine, however, Gabe Newell whipped out his glorious cock and smacked everyone in the teeth who just disrespected him. Gabe Newell is going to fuck you up. OH GABE? What the hell man? I sent you an e-mail asking for another interview and you never replied you jerk! What? Ever since you released Half-Life 2, you are too fucking good for me? We used to be best buds and you provided some excellent humor for my website (since I cannot provide any myself), but now all the sudden you are above me? Pfft. I still love you. Anyways, the graphics in this game are fucking tremendously awesome with high-resolution textures every where in the environment and the updated source engine also provides HUGE environments filled with thousands of pieces of detail and simply some of the best level design you have ever seen. The biggest fucking innovation on the graphics/physics department? REAL LIQUID. Portal 2 is the first game to actually have flowing moving liquid in a video game that you can actually manipulate. WHAT THE FUCK IS EVERYONE DOING? They make crap like Bulletstorm while Valve is busying bring innovation to the table and it is wonderful. Anyways, the graphics in this game are super detailed and the lighting in the latest source engine has improved TREMENDOUSLY which you will see going through some of the darker parts of the game.

Ok so the most important part of this game I saved for last. The fucking gameplay in this game is ABSOLUTELY SOME OF THE FUNNEST GAMEPLAY KNOWN TO MAN. Valve takes the first-person shooter genre and gets rid of the thousands of weapons, blood, gore and everyone and makes one of the best games ever which only has one gun, the Portal gun. It is not only just portal puzzles like it was in the first game as you get further and further the innovation in the puzzle solving only gets greater. You have things like light rails to block paths and to create bridges, various types of gel to spread around using the portal in various ways, boxes, catapults, floating portals, lasers, and everything else which they all combine you put together some of the best puzzle solving ever. Seriously, you will never get fucking bored trying to figure out what to do, or even if you do, it will be enjoyable just solving the puzzles and listening to the incredible dialog and voice acting. Portal 2 takes everything that Portal 1 had puts it into fucking hyperdrive and makes it better. You will enjoy watching the various ways Portal 2 brings a shit ton of innovation from the gels to other types of puzzle solving to the table and keeps you engaged for 7 hours in a single player, mixed with some of the funnest coop ever.
This game is one of the best games ever created and you know how I know? Mother fucking CAVE JOHNSON said so.

11/10