Video Games Suck - Batman: Arkham Asylum

Here I was thinking that any faggy Batman game that comes out is going to SUCK DICK. But holy shit, someone punch my nipples in, this game KICKS ASS. Finally! I have been waiting all year for a good game to come out and this is finally it. Batman: Arkham Asylum is an action game featuring a pussy guy who never wants to kill anybody. Even though, he fucking kicks so much ass in this game it makes my anus bleed. Why is my anus bleeding? Because Batman shoved a fucking baterang right up there for disrespecting him. This game fucking rules.

Graphics: Well damn, this game is using Unreal Engine 3 like every other fucking game in existence. Expect for the same shitty texture pop-in that you get with every fucking UE3 game, this game looks fucking fantastic. From the technical aspect, the game has pretty decent graphics using abunch of different shaders and bump mapping. The models are all fucking top-notch and unique looking. Batman, looks like Batman of course, but the Joker looks fucking fantastic and the rest of the characters have good models as well. I tried to rape Harely Quinn on my computer screen because the model looked good enough for me to fuck. The art design in this game is fucking TOP NOTCH. The characters all have their own unique design and look fucking good. The island has some huge fucking environments as well allowing you to explore all around them. You may be thinking that the game will look the same because it takes place in the same jail, however all the different buildings across the island keep the environments fucking fresh looking and great. There is a dark tone to the graphics as well where everything looks kind of evil and twisted throughout the jail and it's fucking quality. The maps are well-designed and fun to play through. Basically the graphics in this game are fucking fantastic thanks to the kick ass art design. The game also boasts using PhysX which allows for paper and shit to fly all over as well as smashing peoples fucking heads into the ground. However, it cuts the performance faster than a Mexican trying to rob you. However, it helps add to the realism of the ground smashing inwards when you fuck somebody up. The environments are also detailed as shit to help add to the realism which tons of books, papers, lamps and a billion other items all around the facility to constantly keep it looking like everything was actually being used. The animations are fucking great as well being ridiculously fluid and smooth looking. The way batman and his cape move when fighting as well as jumping around is very smooth looking. The enemies animations as well are all very detailed and smooth. Basically, the graphics in this game are fucking good.

Sound: The voice acting in this game is fucking GOOD. Thank god, I was so sick of all the shit fucking voice acting I had to deal with all year. Batman's voice acting and dialog is pretty typical batman but what else do expect from a guy who uses a faggy batarang. The Joker's dialog and voice acting is fucking perfect. He is creepy and demented sounding all at the same time and best part is he is actually fucking FUNNY sometimes. I also almost shit out my fucking nose by being surprised that someone was actually able to make the Joker funny. The voice acting from Harely Quinn, Bane, Poison Ivy and everything else is pretty fucking good as well. There was a couple times when Batman utter some lines so fucking cheesy it made my butthole clench tighter than a little boy around a catholic priest. The story and characters are also presented around the facility in audio logs similar to bioshock where you can learn about what happened. The rest of the sound effects from the fighting and music are all great as well. If you disagree with me, you are probably a cock sucker.

Gameplay: I never thought I would say this about a game with Batman in it, but it's fucking FUN. First thing first, the combat system is fucking excellent. There are a shit ton of moves batman can do, but it's all relatively simply done. You can fucking jump all around kicking the shit out of abunch of piece of shit inmates, kicking them in the teeth, and curb stomping. As you kick more ass, your multiplier increases allowing you to perform move moves by throwing people, critical strikes, and moving faster by kicking the shit out of them. Nothing is fucking cooler then when you are surrounded by 10 guys and you are beating the shit out of all them in a tight enclosed space. There are also big ass enemies you can blind and jump on their backs and beat the shit out of other enemies as well. Anyways, the combat system here is fucking top notch.

There is also another part where you have to sneak around during the sections with guys that have guns. Now I know what you are thinking...I can't just fucking beat the shit out of them? I was pissed too, until I realized how fucking fun it was sneaking up on them and snapping some necks one by one. Each time you do the Joker is screaming over the intercom on your location and where you are in the room. You can jump across gargoyles, glide down and kick a fucker right in the face, or string them up in a fucking noose from the gargoyle. Trying all different ways to take out the guys with guns one by one was fun as hell and kicks ass. You can use your detective mode too jump on different objects, and see what can be used in the environment to knock them out as well. It is also interesting to see how their heart rates and conditions increase in nervousness and you destroy more of their shitty fucking friends. The AI is pretty fucking good too noticing when they hear screams of comrades, finding out where they are, sticking together to perform searches. There is also differne tools such as the batarang and batclaw which batman can not only use in puzzles but in combat to help beat the shit out enemies. Smashing three guys faces on the ground with the batclaw while flipping over some dudes to kick another dude in the face gives me a HUGE BONER. So the combat in both ways is CLASS.

The boss fights as well are all unique and not just the same old beat the shit out of them bullshit. You actually have to fight poison ivy, in a different manner then Bane, and some fucking crocodile faggot. The scarecrow is especially creepy as well, having to sneak past him when you are poisoned into his world. There is also the Riddler in the game who presents questions and secrets in every room which you can use to unlock random garbage. Achievements are fucking stupid I don't know why anyone does them. Oh cool I get to see a fucking stupid 3D model of a guy which I can just see in the game. Anyways, there are also some jumping puzzles and other things that require all the different gadgets, such as explosive gel, which batman can use to solve puzzles. Point is there is fucking variety and it keeps the game interesting as hell when walking around Arkham Island.

Story: So the Joker is being a piece of shit, you take his punk ass to jail and follow him and they are going to put him away. Unfortunately the cocksucker had something plann and Harley Quinn helps him escape. You then find out he is trying to make this Venom bullshit which turns people into giant mutants, who Batman can still beat the shit out of. Eventually you find your way to the joker and beat the fuck out of his gay clown. The story is pretty decent but nothing too special and nothing we haven't really seen before. However, it is presented in a fantastic way with the audio logs as well as the joker constantly talking to you.