Video Games Suck - Random BS Mac Games

Having lost faith in PC games thanks to the ass-fuck of the century *cough consolitus*, I've decided to turn to some Mac games. Now, Ubisoft has set the bar so low that it's not really worth my time mentioning that these games are actually pretty fun, but they are.

I've played three mac games, and by 'played' I mean that I tried to download them illegally, but it didn't work, so I just downloaded the demo instead. So bear in mind that throughout this entire review I'm assuming these games are freeware. In fact, I've ingrained that notion so vividly in my mind, that from time to time I'll make off hand remarks about how the game's flaws are forgivable since it is an open source game.

Wormux: This is what you get when you combine the 2D mechanics of Worms with a linux programmer with no creativity. It's exactly the same as worms except it's free (this one actually is free). The only other differences are that the music sucks, the weapons are weirder (you throw a penguin or a lama), the characters are bizarre, there is seemingly no AI, the mouse is too sensitive, the game never fully maximizes, the options don't always work, the function buttons controlling most of the game conflict with the OS, you can't remap buttons, there is no info as to WTF a 'Cluzooka' does, and the camera does fucked up shit like focus on some distant part of the screen for no apparent reason. On the plus side it can run on a 286, so you can play with up to 40 people at a time. Again, unfortunately, there is no AI, so you can invite 40 of your friends over, or just play against yourself 40 times a round. It's not bad, 6/10.

Hospital Hustle: There's some hot chic with perky breasts who just graduated from med school, and it's your job to get her to do what ever the fuck nurses do. So it's pretty simple, you arrive at the 2D hospital and you get a patient, you take them to the desk, diagnose them, then take them for Xrays/surgery/bed/whatever the fuck else. But it's actually pretty fun (for a free game). The point is to be able to serve as many patients before your shift runs out, the more you serve, the more money you make. Then you can upgrade things like your gay ass employees so they work faster. Your ultimate goal is to get a 9 star rating at whatever hospital you go to, and each level earns you 1 star, therefore there are 9 levels per hospital. Before my 1 hour limit ran out, I got to a new hospital but it was like starting all over again, so I was like WTF? What the hell was the point of all that? But it's pretty fun for a while, and they got the micromanagement thing spot on. It's actually fun to get the prescription chart and take it to the counter then take the drugs back, rinse, repeat. Also they didn't have the money to invest in cut scenes, so all the stories are told through flash animations, and by animation I mean the girl blinking while text is displayed on screen. It's fun for the first hour (which is when the free license runs out) 6/10.

Mystery Stories: They really should port this over to a flash game (if it isn't already running off of it). I thought Hospital Hustle was outdated, but man does this game take it to another level. It's essentially a slide a show. The only thing remotely computerized is when you see a plane skip across the jpeg background, or the gif animated palm tree in the window (no Berzerker, I don't mean the moving palm tree is 'in' the window, please stop splitting hairs). Again the story is told through flash 'animations'. Something about some reporter chic taking a holiday on some island, then shit hits the fan and you have to find your stuff. So you are presented with a scenario and a list of things to look for. Except scenario here might as well mean picture. You just stare at the screen until you find the binoculars, or the 3 shoes (who the fuck takes an odd number of shoes?). It's actually a lot like those 'find 10 different things between the pictures' things they put/used to put in newspapers. To their credit they got really creative with the way they hide things, but I suppose when you spend the grand total of 45 minutes on the game 'engine', you really don't have much else to work on. The one thing that really pissed me off about this game is that they'd use words that I either hadn't heard of, or hadn't used in decades. So it told me to look for a 'spade', and I was like what the fuck is that? Like a Jack of Spades? Turns out a spade is a shovel. You learn something new everyday. Or when it told me to look for a 'life saver'. I was looking for everything from a life preserver, to a life guard to the candy. But they meant that donut thing. It's good for a while, but there's zero replay value, it would be like busting out a trick question twice. 5/10

It's a sad state of affairs when a game created by probably 1 person is more engaging than every Ubisoft game ever made.