Video Games Suck - Uncharted: Drake's Fortune

I'm hung over, I'm at the airport, and I'm bored, so I'll bore you guys with yet another gay review.

So I might come under a lot of heat for this, but I've decided to do a review of a PS3 game. It was probably one of the only fun games I played on the PS3 before I came to my senses and got rid of that sucking fucking piece of shit.

Graphics: Holy shit, the graphics kick ass. Even now, two years after being released, the graphics, textures and environments are stunning. The dude falls in the water and his shirt gets wet. It might not be groundbreaking, but at least it's not gay like Criterion's decision to not put drivers in Burnout Paradise. The one refreshing change was that they actually used bright colors, unlike in Far Cry 2 which was, I believe Suislide phrased it as 'shit brown', or as in Gears of War, where everything looked like you had dropped 3 and a half E pills, and then drank too many double whiskey cokes, and your pupils dilated to the point where you were color blind. The environments were good too, so they must've employed some half decent architects.

Sound: This was really good too. The voice acting on the main characters was spot on. Nathan Drake fit the role of a treasure hunter, the blonde chic sounded sexy, but not too sexy, and the comic relief guy was good too. The dialogue was pretty original, there's this one part where you have to team up with your rival to kill all these monsters, and he's like 'If we don't make it out of here alive, I want you to know--I hate your guts'. The bad guys have good voice acting, the explosions sound great, and there is a lot of ambient sounds in the background (by ambient I mean some fuckin bird chirpin, and the sound of the stream, possibly a deer licking the morning dew off of a maple leaf).

Gameplay: The gameplay is really awesome. It's broken up into two sections: platforming, followed by gun play. The platforming is very responsive, and the animations look real. People did criticize it for being too simple (you always know where to go), but this was good, and I'll touch up on it in the Story section. The gunplay is really fun too. It has the duck and cover mechanics, but it's great, and there are always so many guns, and the environments are destructible, it's just very engaging. It's got a regenerating health system, but it's actually beneficial, and I'll touch on this as well in the Story section. There are also times where the game goes non conventional. So in one level, called 'Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fryer', you're in a car chase and you're manning the rocket launcher, and it's really fun just blowing the cars away in the middle of the jungle. At other times, you're on a jet ski, going up stream, and you get a grenade launcher you can use to blow everyone up. This was such a good idea. I bet you if Ubisoft had made this game, they would have given you a fuckin uzi for shit for aim, and the level would have been terminally frustrating. There are other parts that are cool too, like when you're running away from the monsters, and you have to blind fire while running (more bellow on this).

Story: The story is pretty simple to follow with a few twists, and one massive plot turn at the end. You play as Nathan Drake, who claims to be the direct descendent of [apparently famous] Sir Francis Drake. You quickly find out that you are looking for the lost city of El Dorado (Spanish for 'city of gold'). Then it turns out that El Dorado literally means 'man of gold', and then you find the gold statue, and it turns out there is a biological agent inside it, and you have to stop this terrorist from selling it on the open market. It's how the story is told that makes it interesting. So returning to the previous points, the game is very linear, but this keeps you on track and the pacing really aids the story development, since the story is told through cut scenes. Also, the regenerating health is meant to keep the action moving, since the action is meant to be a bonus, as the platforming forms the meat of the game. I also like how they simplified the car chase and jet ski parts. If any of you developers are listening: shooting a sniper rifle in a moving vehicle with 200+ mph winds is HARD. Simplify that shit, give me a rocket launcher or a flamethrower, and just let me have my fun. The same goes for that segment where you're running away and blind firing at the enemies. It adds to the suspense more so than if you were to stop, get a couple of shots off, and start running again.

Graphics were great, sound was great, story was superb, and the gameplay was fun. And as an aside, GameTrailers, and all those other homos who kept whining about how this game had no multiplayer support: it's a fucking platformer you douchebags! Go masturbate to your Gears of War. 10/10