Video Games Suck - Kal Online

As if every generic peice of crap MMORPG game which involves clicking on rats for 10,000 hours until you die of an undiagnosed crotch infection wasn't enough, the ever-uncreative Korean software market adds another game to the list that's about as exciting as shitting your pants. And supposedly this article offended the finns enough to hack into this website.

The problem with reviewing MMO games is that it's like shooting fish in a barrel - every single on them are so uniformly terrible and horribly boring that it's easier to insult them than it is to call a guy who's wearing a star trek outfit and trying to insult you in Klingon a fucking clueless nerd.

KAL online is the latest cookie-cutter click-simulation out of Korea, by the nameless and hopefully soon bankrupt Inix software corporation. Asides from ripping off their name from a much better but still pretty crappy software corporation, they've also managed to create the world's most mediocre MMO game.

Graphics: Possibly the only semi-redeeming point of the game is that you'll at least see some graphics that don't look like they belong on a Playstation after someone pissed into the vent in the back. By incorporating things such as "pixel shading" and "polygons", a game that approaches visually bareable is created.

Too bad, then, that the tards who made this damn thing have never heard of 'graphics APIs' or 'optimisation' or perhaps 'a graphics engine that is not slower than C&C:Generals when played on a Voodoo Rush'. I got a higher FPS when I was playing DooM3 on a Geforce 2 MX than I do in Kal Online with a 7800GTX.

Gameplay: What gameplay? It's a motherfucking MMO game, you moron! The best way you could describe the 'gameplay' of Kal Online is this:

Click enemy
wait
if you win, click another.
Repeat steps 1-3 until you're 40 years old and your parents kick you out of their basement.
Commit suicide - preferabbly in a humorous way involving being raped by horny chimpanzees.

This sums up the gameplay of Kal Online - hell, every MMORPG for that matter. They basically took the things that made Diablo2 a horrible waste of time (albiet fun for a second or two) and stretched them out so much that not even the most retarded of people will ever be able to get anywhere in the game.

You can get different clothes in the game, which vary from "clueless fag who got his fashion sense out of the 1980's" to "clueless fag who looks like an extra out of conan"; apparently adding some armor that doesn't make you look like a retarded fisherman or a sexual predator at a LARP festival wasn't possible for our korean friends.

In a bout of retardedness brought on when the developers watched Masters of the Universe re-runs for 82 hours nonstop while huffing nitromethane, this otherwise 'free' game requires you to buy stuff with your credit card if you want a chance in hell of ever getting anywhere other than an east side prison block with a cellmate named "tyrone". Of course, since the transactions are apparently done on an honors system, it reality about -3 people have ever actually paid for the 302 horns of shouting they're selling you for 2 fish and a bucket.

In my mercifully limited play time, I managed to experience the full Kal Online experience - you click an enemy, then you click another! And when you do this enough times (To my memory, it requires 23,084 enemies to reach level 2), you get to do it all over again - only the enemies look slightly less heterosexual now! IT IS TEH NEW FEAL GOOD SENASHION!

In short, the gameplay in Kal online HURTS MY SOUL.

Sound: In an attempt to apparently imitate Derek Smart, instead of using sound effects that actually don't suck ass, Inix has used sound effects that were recorded with a microphone that was shoved up the ass of a particularily constipated pony. The standard "hit" noise sounds like someone just punched a cabbage, while the sound effects made by walking are a earth-shattering CLOP CLOP CLOP noise which sounds like your character attached a pair of cinderblocks covered with nailed-on bottlecaps to his hobo sandals in the game.

Special Mention: Security: This is a fucking laughfest. Apparently, Inix hired several downs syndrome sufferers to write their website and games' security systems, before running them through BabelFish to convert them to german, then conver them back to korean and finally convert them into English.

Kal Online's security could get fucked over by throwing a goat at it. In the course of about a month, Kal Online's website had mutliple keyloggers installed on it, several virusses trafficked through it and half the server's level 50+ characters were deleted. And that's just the tip of the dog-eating iceberg - there's a whole internet full of credit card generators for Kal Online that allow any fucktard to max out on "buy only" items while not paying shit in the process.

Score: 2/10 game points with a -908 score adjustment based off it being an MMORPG, with a security system that can be bypassed by yelling at it particularly loudly or waiting until the wind is particularly strong and breaks the password encryption for you.