Video Games Suck - House Of the Dead 3 (pc)

This game is about as much use as a bible in downtown Bagdad, and stinks worse than a tramps spunk hole.

Right, just in case your retarded and don’t know the “House of the Dead “ games here’s a description.

This mad crazy old professor type weirdo who judging by the crap stupid to the point of almost funny (but not quite) cut scenes. Seems to spend most of his time hanging around the bed of a young boy called Charlie (i'm not joking ).

Who this Charlie is I have no idea, and I really don’t give a flying fuck, the story behind this game doesn’t make any sense at all, I’ve seen episodes of “Bugs Bunny” from the 1930’s that had a better structured narrative.

For some weird reason that I don’t understand and don’t want to understand, this silly old cunt has started creating zombies, they have got lose and are causing fucking havoc, you play a character called Lisa Rogan who is teamed up with a guy called “G” (who is so thin he looks like he has an eating disorder) and have to kill the zombies and find your father who has been kidnapped by the the silly old cunt professor.

You don’t control your characters movement (apart from your gun) you automatically move from screen to scene like a cheap old ghost train, once you kill all zombies at one screen you move to the next, anyone that has played Virtual Cop, and any other light gun type game will be familiar with this systemif your not please feel free to sod off since I cant be bothered to explain in more detail.

As I have said It is supposed to be a light gun game, but only sad fucking retarded wankers buy light guns for their pc, since there about as many light guns games for the pc as there are virgins in a Bangkok whore house, anyway the mouse works just as well.

One of the good things about the previous game “House of the dead 2” was that the voice acting was sooooooooooo awful it was funny, really funny. In this game the voice is just boring, dull, and tedious (a bit like this review), and full of stupid crappy sayings like “You have to believe in yourself Lisa”, how can you not fucking believe in your self. "Excuse me, I don't believe in myself I must a be a figment of my own imagination”, what fucking stupid shit

In the pervious game you had to reload your weapon by firing off screen or pressing the left mouse button, in this it reloads automatically, expect its sooo fucking slow, Chistopher fucking Reeve just before he fell into a coma for the last time, could have reloaded a gun quicker than this shity game, as a consequence the pace of the game is screwed.

The zombies move like their in a film running at Ľ speed, in the cut scenes people move like their fucking stoned. I mean these Zombies move so fucking slowly that a gay 11 year kid would laugh at them.

Also its far too Easy, I completed it on my 3 third go, and I stink at computer games, It sucks real bad, anyway its not even staged in a fucking house for Christ’s fucking sake.

All in all this game sucks worse than a 75 year old with no teeth and a tracheotomy (note for retards, tracheotomy = hole in throat).

I suppose it was fun for a bit… about as much time as it takes 16 year old to shoot his bolt while squeezing one out.

3 out 10