Video Games Suck - Rome: Total War

HOE-LEE SHIT!! This game will rock you so hard, your dad will have pains in his nut sack!

Ever wanted to see a bunch of italians kick the living shit out of tall-haired egyptians? Or german barbarians shoot big ass arrows into 7 unlucky fuckers? Well, if your computer has the balls, youll be enjoying these experiences, in the most fashionable togas.

Graphics: First off, this is a big ass game. Someone may be expecting a bunch of cardboard cutouts with three animations to be running around the fields punching holes into each other. Well, if you were, then you are a complete and utter dumbass. The graphics are motha-fuckin crunk, for my brothers out there. The trees and buildings are detailed enough to make me happy and they leave.....SHADOWS *gasp*. When you send youre 5436346356 troops toward the enemy line, dust rises and makes you splurg. Literally. And when large clumps start fighting, you can scroll back and watch the big globs duke it out, or you can get up close and watch the warriors cut eachothers balls off to take back to their motherlands. The detail on people and war machines is awesome and ive run out of things to say about the graphics. They are just really, really "crunk".

Sound: Oh my god, squirt. Hearing the thousands of people and elephants, even pigs if youre into that kind of shit, scream and squeal is breathtaking. The footsteps of soldiers on the move is enough to make the goverment think there was another million man march, not to mention the yelling along with it. The clashes of swords and excriments is riveting and makes feel as if you were there. Ok, not really but they are good nonetheless. The songs are pretty cool, but get really fucking repetative. The sound is the shit to sum it all up.

Gameplay: You are a general for a house and you go around kicking ass and taking names. The campaign is really in depth and somewhat complex, but youll catch on quick. If you dont, you should just let go of the mouse, unplug your computer, and stand in the corner facing the wall for awhile. But, if you are a dumbass, you can create instant battles for your lower brain voltage enjoyment. Controling the large swarms of soldiers and ordering them to ensure the enemy of haveing no future children is fun and exciting. Also, making walls and launching shit thats on fire fall on people gives you a sense of, dignity. Its good for your low self esteem, you lifeless bastard. Anyway, the gameplay is well thought out and funzorz. If youre too far into the pits of command and conquer, you might want to stay away, jackass.

All in all, this is a great strategy game, and is more then worthy of the title "RTS of the Year" 9/10